A Matriarchal Perspective on Manners, Reciprocity, and Belonging

When we think of “manners,” most of us picture table settings, polite greetings, or maybe a dusty copy of Emily Post sitting on a shelf. But for me, manners—and the practice of being a good guest—reach far deeper than etiquette. They are about relationships, reciprocity, and honoring the lands and people who host us.

Learning from Native Nations

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to live and work in the Central Coast of CA, California, a region that is home to at least five sovereign Native Nations. Many of these Nations remain “unrecognized” by the U.S. federal government, meaning their treaties were broken or they never signed treaties and their sovereignty is not formally acknowledged by the Federal Government. And yet, recognition or not, they remain very much alive, present, and sovereign on their own terms. These Peoples include the Esselen, Rumsen, Ohlone, Chalon and Salinan.

About one-third of California’s Native Nations share this reality. It is a reminder that federal acknowledgment does not define a People’s existence or legitimacy. Sovereignty is inherent.

Living here, I’ve had the privilege of learning from Native friends, colleagues, and teachers about what it truly means to be a guest. If you, like me, were not born of this land, then you are a guest on it. Recognizing that simple truth reshapes how we approach both our daily lives and our broader responsibilities.

First Steps in Honoring

I often encourage people to begin by learning whose lands they live and work on. A wonderful resource is nativelands.ca, which allows you to find the Nations connected to your home. Learn their names. Learn a few words of greeting in their language—“hello,” “thank you,” “goodbye.” And then ask: How can I support their work of cultural preservation, land stewardship, and restoration?

Land acknowledgments are a starting place, but they are not enough. True honoring comes through relationships and reciprocity.

The Practice of Being a Guest

The teachings I’ve received about being a good guest can also guide us in everyday life, whenever we are invited into someone’s home or community. Three simple practices stand out:

• Do not come hungry. Unless told otherwise, arrive nourished—in body and spirit—so you’re not adding unexpected burden to your host.

• Do not come empty-handed. Bring something of yourself to share: food, a gift, a song, or simply presence offered with care.

• Do not come unhelpful. Offer your hands, your energy, your willingness to clean up or contribute. Ask how you can be of service.

These may sound simple, but they are radical acts of reciprocity in a culture that often encourages us to take more than we give. They remind us that hospitality is not about entitlement—it is about equal exchange of energy, respect, and care.

Manners Reimagined

Even Emily Post, often thought of as the queen of etiquette, recognized that manners must extend across cultural boundaries. While her perspective was shaped by her time and place, I’ve always appreciated that she tried to imagine how people of different nations and traditions might meet one another with respect.

Today, we are called to go further. To reimagine manners in a decolonized way—one that begins with asking: “What does it mean to be a good guest here?”

Whether you are stepping onto Indigenous homelands, visiting a friend’s kitchen, or traveling across the world, that question can open a doorway to deeper connection and understanding.

Walking Forward Together

Being a good guest is more than courtesy. It is a spiritual practice of humility, generosity, and reciprocity. It is how we honor both the people and the lands that host us.

And in learning to be good guests, perhaps we also learn how to be better neighbors, allies, and kin.

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If you’d like to hear me speak more about this topic, you can watch a short 6-minute talk here: View Recording.

Reflection Prompts

• Whose ancestral lands do you live and work on? Have you taken time to learn their names and stories?

• When was the last time you showed up as a guest—into a home, community, or landscape? How did you prepare yourself to enter?

• Which of the three practices—not coming hungry, not coming empty-handed, not coming unhelpful—feels most natural to you? Which one stretches you the most?

• What might shift in your life if you began asking, “What does it mean to be a good guest here?” before entering any space?

• How do you want to show up—as a guest, a neighbor, or a traveler—so that your presence becomes a gift rather than a burden?