Matriarchs, matriarchs in the making and practitioners of all kinds,

Before our Matriarchal Governance Course for Practitioners this Friday, October 9th at 9 a.m. Pacific, I want to share a little more about mother law.

Like many of you, as a survivor, I have been moving through waves of emotion since the news of the harm done to a young woman at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York.

Much has been said already. But for those of us who have spent years advocating for consent and an end to violence and the trappings of patriarchy, the usual responses are exhausting to witness. The school should have done more. The parents should have done more. Outrage. Shock. It's as if each time this reaches the news, we forget that we have known about it for decades and have done nothing that truly addresses it.

We've set up hotlines. We've installed emergency phones on campus. We've required informed consent training and taught students how to be in healthy, respectful relationships. We've run training on drugs and alcohol and how much they raise the risk of harm.

And yet here we are. A harm was caused. Circles of men chose not to act. Circles of people of all genders who held power chose not to act. They failed to understand the basic meaning of consent, and they failed to apply the law: these are felony crimes, and no arrests were made and no criminal charges were filed.

What I keep coming back to is how numb we have become to living under power over: under control, under hierarchy. We are so used to that framework that we may not even see what it does to us.

This week I read the words of a powerful writer, Celeste Davis, describing something that lives in the minds of many men: you are either a hammer or a nail, and those are the only choices. Of course one would want to be the hammer. To be a nail is unbearable. So they go looking for other nails: men judged as weak, queer-identified men. And the worst fate of all would be to be less powerful than a woman.

You can read more in her October 4th piece in Matriarchal Blessing, “I'm so sorry, but none of your solutions for fraternity reform are going to work.” As she writes, fraternities are not failing at their purpose. They are succeeding perfectly.

I have a lot to say about power. For today, I want to say this: there is another way. We can move from the triangle to the circle. And to those of you who feel frantic, as if we don’t have what it takes: we do.

It means making decisions differently, and holding different perspectives differently. Most of all, it means each of us taking responsibility for the places where we hold some power, and reshaping those spaces as circles, not triangles.

For any of us who have struggled to be heard, to have our voices considered and our perspectives valued, the climb up the so-called ladder of power only ends at an apex. And with every rung closer to that apex, we give up a little more of our own moral compass. I understand why we climb. We want security, and we want to be seen and valued within the system. That is exactly the danger. Many of us have ended up there in certain circumstances, because the triangle shapes every relationship around the apex.

So what can be done? We don't have to reinvent the wheel. There are living matriarchies all over the world.

Mother law is natural law, and it comes before every legal system we have today. It formed the basis for treaties. It lives in the words and teachings of the Condoled Clan Mothers of the Haudenosaunee, and in the rematriation movement led by Indigenous women. Mother law asks us to center our responsibilities and decide by different criteria, and to understand that human beings defer to the more-than-human world.

The comprehensive Starter Series from Land Justice Futures and Complicit No More is a good place to start. It was made with the active involvement of Condoled Clan Mothers and Indigenous wisdom holders.

As we engage with these teachings and how they might apply in our own spaces, we offer them humbly. We can come together and bring these life-affirming, culturally-attuned practices into the communities we belong to. This is work for all of us, done with respect and acknowledgement: to keep learning, and to keep taking responsibility for how we form the shape of the circle and let go of the triangle.

Until we understand how power-over shows up in our everyday interactions, we will keep being shocked and surprised by what happened at Cornell, inside a system where secrecy and silence are the price of being near power. The role of private clubs, men's clubs and fraternities is a letter for another time: how they protect status, and how they build spaces largely cut off from the presence of women, children and elders.

Please join me this Friday, October 9th at 9 a.m. Pacific, for the Matriarchal Governance Practitioner Course. Adrian Seneca Bello and I will be facilitating, learning alongside all of you. A few seats remain: registration link.

With care,

Maija

🌿 Matriarch Makeover

Maija Danilova West is a governance practitioner, peacemaker, and the author of Matriarch Makeover: A 30-Day Invitation. Her forthcoming book, From the Triangle to the Circle: Matriarchal Governance Design, is addressed to practitioners of law, peacemaking, and governance who are earnestly seeking a way to practice that is more life-affirming.

Original content by Maija, copy edited by Claude.

Last updated: October 6, 2026