I wish I had learned much earlier in life what it means to know your advocates. For me, it took years — and more than a few hard lessons. Part of the delay was that I first had to learn how to trust myself. I had to believe that if I could clearly name what I was looking for in relationship, I’d also be able to recognize those qualities in others.

Over time, I came to a definition that finally made sense:

An advocate is someone who shows me, through their actions, that they have my back.

Growing Up in a Community of Doers

I think this idea grew from my childhood. I was raised in a small town in the northern Sierras with about 1,800 people. Everyone there was a doer. My neighbors were teachers, healthcare workers, loggers, cashiers, builders, foresters, biologists. There weren’t jobs where you could just “talk” your way through. You had to commit to what you knew, do it well, and let your actions prove your word.

In that environment, it was easy to tell who showed up and who didn’t.

But later, when I stepped into the world of academics and big cities, I entered spaces where words often carried more weight than actions. People promised, proposed, imagined — but didn’t always follow through. It took me over a decade to put my finger on what was different. Once I realized it, I had to take a hard inventory of my relationships.

Were these people really my advocates? Or was I pouring my energy into connections without reciprocity?

The Hard Inventory

That realization led me to create an exercise I now call “Know Your Advocates.” It’s simple: you take stock of your relationships and ask yourself — who shows up in action, not just words? Who practices reciprocity, the mutual exchange of energy that keeps us balanced?

When I didn’t ask those questions, I became depleted. But when I did, I was able to put my energy where it mattered most — into the relationships where both giving and receiving were alive.

Community in a Time of Crisis

We’re living through a time of crisis as a country. Now more than ever, we need to strengthen our bonds of community. And we need to do that with the people who are truly our advocates.

For my advocates, I’ll do anything. Even when they annoy me (and they do!), I’ll do the annoying and the beautiful work of showing up. That’s what it means to be in community. And I trust they’ll do the same for me when I’m the one being difficult.

That’s reciprocity. That’s what keeps us going.

Actions Over Words

At the end of the day, words matter — but actions matter more. Advocates are the ones who live their values, who walk their talk, and who show up when it counts.

So here’s an invitation: take a moment to sit down with the “Know Your Advocates” exercise. Reflect on your community. Notice who’s really showing up. And put your energy where the reciprocity is alive.

Because in this moment in history, actions most definitely speak louder than words.