When we think about manners, most of us imagine childhood lessons about saying “please” and “thank you,” not talking with our mouths full, or keeping our elbows off the table. Those rituals have their place, but today I want to talk about a deeper kind of manners—the kind that show up in how we communicate with one another.

Whether it’s stepping into someone’s home, navigating a workplace, or gathering in a multicultural community space, how we show up matters. And all too often, disagreements don’t erupt because of the core issues at hand—they happen because we failed to bring manners into the way we communicate.

As a former attorney and mediator, I spent years designing conversations so that people could actually get to the heart of their disputes without blowing up first. What I noticed is something I think applies everywhere: most conversations derail not because of the substance, but because people feel judged, dismissed, or misunderstood before the real talk even begins.

So how do we change that? Here are a few practices that I’ve carried with me, and that I believe can transform the way we communicate.

Enter with a Gift

Start by bringing something to honor or celebrate about the person you’re meeting with. This “gift” doesn’t have to be literal. It might be an acknowledgment of their efforts, gratitude for their presence, or simply noticing something you appreciate about them. Entering a conversation with this kind of generosity sets the tone for respect.

Practice Active Listening

At the heart of manners is respect—and respect in communication means listening deeply. Staying present doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything being said. It means resisting the urge to interrupt, dismiss, or mentally prepare your rebuttal while the other person is talking. When we interrupt, we send a signal of disrespect, and that’s bad manners.

Take Turns

Conversation is meant to be reciprocal. It doesn’t need to be perfectly balanced, but it should carry awareness of time and attention. One little rule my husband and I used in relationships was what we called the “20 Question Rule”: if I asked twenty questions in a conversation and not one was returned, that was usually a sign the relationship wouldn’t work out. Reciprocity matters.

Honor Humanity

Perhaps the deepest expression of manners is recognizing the dignity of the other person. Too often, we slip into patterns of thinking our perspective is “better,” “truer,” or more valuable. But what if we replaced judgment with curiosity? What if we acknowledged that each person has something meaningful to contribute depending on the moment and the topic? That recognition of shared humanity is what turns ordinary conversations into spaces of healing.

Manners as a Cultural Practice

There’s no strict prescription for this. Manners are cultural, subjective, and context-dependent. But at their core, they are about being thoughtful—about noticing the ways we unconsciously engage in communication patterns and making intentional choices instead. Whether in one-on-one talks, in our workplaces, or in larger gatherings, we have the opportunity to create more respectful, generous conversations.

An Invitation

This week, notice how you enter into conversations. What kind of “gift” can you bring? How can you listen a little more fully? How might you make space for reciprocity? And most of all, how can you honor the humanity of the person across from you?

Manners, in this sense, aren’t old-fashioned—they’re revolutionary. They create the conditions for us to truly hear one another, to resolve differences, and to walk away feeling respected. And that, dear ones, is how manners can heal.