Good morning, dear friends, matriarchs, and matriarchs in the making.

Recent comments from our president—minimizing violence inside the home by suggesting it does not count as criminal behavior—were heartbreaking, but sadly not surprising. This repeated dismissal of the lived experience of survivors of domestic violence reflects a larger cultural problem: the constant minimizing of abuse within the home.

Today, I want to return to my roots as a domestic violence litigator and share a resource that has helped countless survivors and advocates recognize the patterns of abuse before physical violence escalates. This resource is called the Power and Control Wheel. For decades, it has been used to shed light on the many subtle and overt ways that abusers exert control in intimate relationships.

Why the Power and Control Wheel Matters

Abuse doesn’t always start with bruises or broken bones. Often, it begins quietly—with what feels like “small things.” That low and slow erosion of a survivor’s value is an orange or red flag. The wheel helps us identify these predatory or harmful behaviors before they escalate into violence.

And as matriarchs, we know: any taking without consent or approval is a violation of Mother Earth. Whether it is taking land, spirit, energy, or body, when consent is denied, there is harm. Abuse is built on this same taking.

The Tactics of Power and Control

Here are some of the behaviors illustrated in the Power and Control Wheel:

• Using Emotional AbusePutting survivors down, calling them names, making them feel “crazy,” humiliating them, or playing mind games.

• Using IsolationControlling what survivors do, who they see or talk to, what they read, and where they go. Jealousy is often used as a cover for these restrictions.

• Minimizing, Denying, and BlamingMaking light of the abuse, saying it didn’t happen, or shifting responsibility by claiming the survivor “caused it.”

• Using Children (and Animals)Making survivors feel guilty about the children, using kids to relay messages, harassing during visitation, or threatening to take them away. Animals and pets are often abused as well.

• Using Male PrivilegeTreating survivors like servants, making all the big decisions, acting as “master of the castle,” or defining roles without discussion.

• Using Economic AbusePreventing survivors from getting or keeping a job, making them ask for money, taking their earnings, or denying access to family income.

• Using Coercion and ThreatsThreatening to hurt survivors, leave them, commit suicide, report them to authorities, or force them into illegal activity.

• Using IntimidationMaking survivors afraid through looks, gestures, smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, or displaying weapons.

Finding Safety and Support

Relationship abuse is complex. A single diagram cannot capture the depth of this harm, but the Power and Control Wheel gives us a framework to understand it.

If these behaviors sound familiar, know that you are not alone. You can reach out for confidential, free support at the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

 Live chat is available at thehotline.org

It’s important to remember: sometimes leaving isn’t immediately safe. That’s why developing a safety plan matters. Shelters, nonprofit organizations, courthouse self-help clinics, and hotlines can all help you design a strategy that prioritizes your safety and your needs.

Shoulder to Shoulder

To all listening in this circle: we stand together, shoulder to shoulder. We honor the divine feminine principle that any taking without consent or approval is a violation, and we commit to protecting one another against abuse, power, and control.

If you need support, please know our private member circle is here for you (click here to join if you haven't already). Together, we create new protocols of care, rooted in the strength of matriarchy.

Take care, my dears. Be well. And may we continue to stand together.

Maija

🌿 Matriarch Makeover