Hello dear ones,

I am writing to you from a place of deep care, sharpened awareness, and a refusal to look away.

Over time, through my work as an attorney and advisor to powerful men, and through my own lived experience in relationships, I have come to see something with increasing clarity: the dynamics of micro-control and “power over” are not rare, nor are they always loud or obvious. They are patterned. Cultural. Conditioned. Often subtle enough to pass as normal—yet impactful enough to shape the emotional and relational lives of millions.

In this time of the Great Turning, our most important relationships—those in our homes, our partnerships, and our closest circles—are being put through a stress test unlike anything we have collectively experienced. The external pressures of a changing world do not stay “out there”; they move through us, and into how we relate to one another. This is why we must begin, now, to consciously build communities of true belonging. And that work starts at the most intimate level: by facing, with honesty and courage, the ways we experience control—or a lack of self-control—within our own households. These micro-dynamics are not small. They are the foundation upon which all larger systems are either reinforced or transformed.

This is not a fringe issue. It is foundational.

And it is time we look at it—together.

Let me be clear: this is an invitation for people of all genders. While much of this patterning shows up in men’s behavior toward women, the underlying thinking—entitlement, control, dominance masked as care—runs through the entire architecture of patriarchy. It touches all of us. It asks something of all of us.

We cannot transform what we are unwilling to name.

There is a reality we must hold with compassion and honesty: many men have been systematically conditioned—over generations—to disconnect from their emotional lives. This disconnection did not happen by accident. It served institutions, systems, and structures that benefited from control, hierarchy, and emotional suppression.

And now, we are living in the consequences of that conditioning.

So to the men who are reading this: this is not a condemnation. It is a call into awareness, into responsibility, and into a different way of being that is available to you.

This is a moment to examine how control shows up—in your words, your silences, your expectations, your relationships.

I recently encountered the work of Lundy Bancroft, particularly his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. While I am not offering a blanket endorsement, I found value in engaging with his decades of experience working directly with men who have used controlling and abusive behaviors.

One insight, in particular, is worth sitting with:

“Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”

Pause with that.

Let it land.

Because this reframes everything.

This is not about “anger management.” It is about belief systems. It is about entitlement. It is about the normalization of control in intimate spaces—often disguised as care, leadership, or even love.

If you are willing, I invite you to watch this conversation with Lundy Bancroft and reflect deeply (this video goes into detail of a several examples of domestic violence from a case study perspective- if you are a survivor please take thoughtful care if you choose to view):