Forgiveness is one of those topics that can stir up strong emotions. For years, I thought forgiveness meant letting someone “off the hook.” I believed I couldn’t release the pain of harm until I received an apology, a recognition, something to validate what I went through.

But what I discovered is that waiting for an apology can keep us trapped. It can even justify behaviors that cause more harm—sometimes to others, but often to ourselves.

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t say the harm didn’t matter. Instead, forgiveness is about choice: choosing whether to renew or to release a relationship.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Mpho Tutu, describe this beautifully in The Book of Forgiving. They write about two paths: the revenge cycle and the forgiveness cycle.

When we carry resentment, bitterness, or jealousy, we may not see ourselves as vengeful, but those feelings are what I call the “small r” symptoms of revenge. They keep us locked in pain. Forgiveness, by contrast, opens a path toward healing, whether or not the person who harmed us ever apologizes.

Forgiving Without an Apology

One of the most powerful realizations I had was that forgiveness does not require the other person. I practiced this in different relationships in my life, most profoundly with my mother.

Her own wounds from her upbringing shaped the way she parented me, and I carried anger and resentment for the hardships I experienced. But when I chose to forgive her, I found a way to remain in relationship with her—while also creating boundaries that protected me from future harm. That forgiveness was both a release and a renewal.

Collective Forgiveness Is Different

While personal forgiveness can be freeing, collective forgiveness operates differently. When we are harmed by systems—racism, patriarchy, colonization—forgiveness is not simply an individual act. It requires repair. It requires reconciliation, restorative justice, and systemic change.

For example, I cannot say that I forgive my government for failing to protect women, children, and LGBTQIA+ communities from harm. The reason is simple: the harm is ongoing. Without meaningful policy change or protection, there is no space to heal, no chance to renew the relationship. Collective forgiveness must be grounded in justice.

An Invitation

Forgiveness is not easy, nor is it a one-size-fits-all path. It is deeply personal, often complex, and sometimes ongoing. But when it is possible, forgiveness frees us. It allows us to stop carrying pain that no longer serves us.

I invite you to reflect on the forgiveness and revenge cycle shared in The Book of Forgiving. Notice where you might be on that path—in your relationship with yourself, with family, in community, or in response to the institutions that shape our lives.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It means choosing to heal. And that choice, when it is possible, can be one of the most liberating gifts we give ourselves.